


red memories

by romvnxvas



Category: Avengers (Comics), Black Widow (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, BuckyNat deserved to be in the MCU, F/M, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21959761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romvnxvas/pseuds/romvnxvas
Summary: Bucky Barnes remembers.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Kudos: 34





	red memories

Bucky Barnes remembers.

These are painful memories. Physically – he remembers bullets digging into his flesh and sharp, angry blades against his skin. Karambits, machetes, carbine bullets, rifles. He remembers the pain of being shot by a .45 through his thigh and having one of his knees popped by high caliber rifles, and he _remembers_ the pain, because despite having HYDRA to rebuild him after every job, he could still feel everything. Still can.

Bucky would still prefer the pain of having both knees popped and both arms ripped out than the emotional aches. He remembers each victim. Innocent or not. But mostly the innocent ones. People caught in the crossfire. A nightclub in Berlin before the fall of the wall ( _two innocent men killed in bed with their target, witnesses_ ), a drive-by in New York ( _a man who threw himself in front of his beloved – the Winter Soldier killed them both_ ), an entire family ( _father, mother and children, no older than 16_ ) stopped at a traffic light in Russia. Maria and Howard Stark.

Bucky Barnes _remembers_. He remembers them all.

After a while, Bucky realizes that even a person like him has a little bit of light to it, something that has kept him not exactly sane but alive all these years. It was not Steve. Steve is like coming home after a long day, his safe haven, his still center. But the Winter Soldier didn't have Steve. He didn't even deserve a person like Steve Rogers.

But he had Natalia Romanova. And she's the light that Bucky Barnes found after a long time of regaining his own mind, the only warmth and comfortable part in the midst of _so_ much cold and pain.

He remembers nights spent in opposite buildings and listening to the redhead's breathing through the comms. Going after a target in Antarctica, how hot it was under the only blanket in the house they were awaiting orders to, and how she made mistakes that the Winter Soldier would never make still showed how human she was. The hesitation she let slip for seconds as she saw civilians about to be caught in the crossfire. The irritation with each other that escalated into sexual tension and then to the fact that Natalia Romanova had become the shelter against his storm, which was gradually peeling off the Winter Soldier and discovering _Bucky Barnes_.

The last time he remembers being frozen, HYDRA had discovered them.

And Natalia had been erased from his memories.

And then he murdered Tony Stark's parents.

And then he found Steve Rogers, his best friend, his safe haven – the man who saved him with just one sentence, and Bucky Barnes remembers again. All the deaths, all the mental and physical pains, the abuses of Dr. Zola, Red Skull, his fall from the train, Natalia's red hair and how his body fittes perfectly with her's.

But _Natasha Romanoff_ , Avenger, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, his shelter and his salvation from insanity, does not remember.

Bucky Barnes remembers.

Natasha Romanoff doesn't.


End file.
